Dirty Jokes

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with $960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles."
The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants...he did....
The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?!"
The general replied, "Back in Vietnam!"


Bashing both sexes:

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? -- 45 lb.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? -- 45 min.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? -- Marriage
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? -- None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? -- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? -- A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it off you wonder where the breast went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -- Two mothers-in-law.


A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde.
"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.
"Why not?" asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."


A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-you're in.' The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a crowbar out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the crowbar. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!"

St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'


One day a koala bear was noticing that he hadn't had any action in days... Now this was unusual because this was one pimped out koala bear... so, he puts on his pimp koala bear suit on, and hits the town...he picks up a prostitute, and takes her to the hotel...Seven hours later, he reaches in his back pocket and notices he has no money...Being the slick bear he is, he tries to sneak out, but just as he hits the door, the prostitute wakes up, demanding her money..The koala bear looks at the prostitute, and says" It's in my wallet in the car, let me go get it"... The woman reaches in her purse and pulls out a dictionary, throws it at the koala bear and asks for him to read the definition of a prostitute.."one who solicites sex for money"...the quick-thinking bear throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and asks her to read the definition for koala bear ...."eats bush and leaves"


Bill was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Bill was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?"
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman.

Bill tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!".
The salesman eyed Bill then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.".
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?".
"It's my job." came the familiar reply.

Bill tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?".
Bill was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Bill's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a- half?"
Bill was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?".
"It's my job." said the salesman again. Bill tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Bill's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Bill laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

Show up naked,
Bring beer.


A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help as she now continually stands in front of the mirror looking at herself and asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day."
Willing to try anything the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not? It worked for your butt, didn't it?"


When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,974.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked in the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was to much and I gave in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought of a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but thought to herself, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together..."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered. "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."


A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in his car, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."


The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold." She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."


There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his "thingie". So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thingie,'which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thingie' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.


The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come from work," the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?," asked the mother-in-law This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS!? You are naked!," said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "Love Dress" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally the pickup truck drove up the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing," he asked.
"This is my love dress," the woman replied.
"Hmm… It needs ironing"


A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."


A 12 year old boy comes home from school and walks into his parent's room. Mom and dad are in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "Playing poker." The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker." His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand."


A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home, his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"


A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A Cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?
"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The Cop asks, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"
"It wassss at da end of thisss key!" the man replies.
About that time the Officer looks down to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD.....they got my girlfriend too!!!"


An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."


"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"


A well dressed car salesman went into a bar to quench his thirst after a long day. He sat down, ordered and began to drink his beer.
Almost immediately he heard a strange high-pitched voice say, "Nice tie!"
Looking around, he could not discover the source of the voice.
Next he heard, "Your taste in clothes is impeccable!" The salesman's eyes darted about the bar, searching. Nothing!
And shortly thereafter, "You are obviously a very intelligent man!"
Again he could not figure out who was talking or where the voice was coming from.
The salesman could not understand what was going on, so he called the bartender over and said, "I keep hearing voices! Where the hell are they coming from?"
The bartender smiled, "Oh, don't let the voices bother you, sir... It's just those complimentary peanuts."


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
    After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
    The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!


Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes, Father, it's me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mary MacDonald?"
"No."
"Was it Ann Crotty?"
"No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Amy Mc Mahon?"
"No, Father."
"Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
"No, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to
your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew next to his buddy, Sean. Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
Tommy smiles, "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads."